Please allow me to explain...
(my mom holding me. I only have a handful of photos of her where she truly looks happy, her smile beaming with an energy that had so much power.... She was only 21 years old when this one was taken. 1984. It is so crazy to try to imagine being in her shoes at the age I am now... 26 and with a 5 year old. Ahh!)Anyways.... This first part I'm about to write is not going to be all "rainbows and sunshine" by any means. But I promise, this blog post ends with a vivid description of one of the most pivotal moments of my life and one of the happiest memories I have of her.
To whom it may concern
(dear friends of mine, you know who you are):
I see my friends with their moms, and all of the conflicts and the love that exist between them... And I cant help but wonder just how it would be if my mom would have been able to find the strength to carry on - to live through and find her way out of the darkness that swallowed her both slowly and quickly at the same time. What kind of person would i be? The same? Or completely different? She died before i was old enough to discover what it is like to deal with or experience ANY of very typical and common mother-daughter moments, the good and the bad, conflicts and issues, the teenage girl vs. Her mother rebellion bullshit, all of the important bonding time. You know how no matter how much any of you guys may get upset, irritated, frustrated, etc. Or how rocky your relationship is... You still have her.... Remember that... everyone has moments throughout their life that make them just really want to reach out to their mommys, and just get a mommy kind of hug. I will never have that luxury... And it really fucking sucks to be that girl in a group of life long girl friends that is the only one whose mom is dead and has been for more years then I have been alive and to top it off- the whole great big picture of the story has never been told really until now because who wants to feel like it would make them the party pooper Debbie downer friend that is pitied and noone ever knows what to say in a not good kind of speechless way. And awkwardness ensues and eventually things just become assumed about me because of it, my behavior is scrutinized, it's a bigger deal if i am seeming at my worst than for anyone else, everyone is morbidly curious but at the same time doesn't really want to hear it more than once or twice. Any more mini breakdowns past that must equal she is depressed and has issues and needs professional help and I'll listen and let her vent about this thing once maybe twice, but three ? No. Baseball rules apply. If not directly then indirectly in some way or just secretly cuz Oh no! Fragile Leah just won't be able to keep it together, let's all Always expect it and then overwhelmingly project the emotional energy of that collective expectation without realizing it probably, and then I can walk in the thickly filled room and immediately feel it all before hellos are even said. And it's not like I can say that in the moment, challenge it, cuz I don't kkow how to explain it without wondering If I'm thought of as crazy or or delusional or something. I'm an empath, like Deanna Troy was on star trek the next generation style, except there is no on/off switch for me completely.
This is why I have the urge to run away from and avoid situations and events and gatherings which i know will make me more sensitive to feeling the brutal impact and gravity of the fact that unlike everyone else in the room, i am motherless. That she will never be around to call in times when i really need her, she will never be there in the most pivotal and profound moments and milestones of my life, and it is depressing as hell to feel bombarded with reminders of all of this and more, invoking any and all of the "little orphan leah" feelings that overwhelm me at times. So yeah, please don't take it personally if i opt out of or leave early from things at times. I'm doing it out of love for you, I don't need to or want to bring or put that kind of energy into the room and burden everyone with that which I can not change.
Does that provide enough explanation as to why I am the way I am sometimes?? I had to say it/express it somehow especially to the handful of girls that I have known and been friends with since the days of ghetto hills ... Middle school. Ha. I love you all, I hope you know! Thanks for sticking by my side through the thick and thin of it all, I am aware of how frustrating I can be and I apologize. But keep in mind that I frustrate myself so much more than i could ever frustrate anyone else.... so all please continue to be supportive and there for me, unconditionally... as I am for you... for ALWAYS! Also, feel free to ask me anything when it comes to my mom. I may have bottled it all up inside from age 11-17/18... But I can honestly say that I have grown and evolved into a wiser, brighter, more resilient, and more open and willing to share almost anything, especially with those who I trust and hold very dearly and closest to my heart and soul - soul friends of mine... You know who you are... I am okay. I promise. I can even look back on all the ridiculous bullshit that I was forced to grow up with, no matter how depressing it is, and find ways to use my notoriously blunt/uh oh! Leah's filter is off! Beeeeeep. Incoming... Sense of humor to power through the times that are tough... but more importantly, the quote " I'll get by with a little help from my friends... "speaks volumes for me personally. I need you guys. Especially when it seems like I am trying to be as distant as possible... when I go MIA like that, it's a pretty good sign that I could use a reminder that i don't totally suck as a person and can stop being anti-social because behaving like that is counter-productive and just plain ridiculous. At least I am aware of it and can acknowledge that about myself in a completely honest way.
I can't help but wonder endlessly.... in my own brutally in your face way of publicly pondering...
What was going through her mind as she tied the make shift noose around her neck and jumped off the ledge of life? There are so many unanswered and unanswerable questions that race through my mind time after time, especially in moments like this - in this quarter life place that I am smack dab in the middle of..How could she so impulsively and seemingly thoughtlessly just leave this earth... Leave me, her 11 year old daughter, without even saying goodbye. I talked to her just hours before, and I just knew deep down somehow that I would never hear her voice again. I kept her on the phone as long as I could, making her promise over and over that I would see her tomorrow... And she did. She promised me. How could she do that if there was some dark and deadly master plan already in place? I didn't believe her. I KNEW. I woke up the next morning to the sound of my grandparents phone ringing and my heart immediately felt broken and shattered into a million tiny pieces. I didn't have to be told what had happened, I already knew. I ran upstairs crying and hyperventilating, hoping that this was just another dream and that I would soon wake up, as I had before. Each night that made up The week before she died was filled with prophetic dreams. In each one she had died in a different way, but the message and the theme was always the same. I remember asking my dad to just slap my face really hard or pinch me, my 11 yr old mind did not know how to process the reality of the situation, i remember rocking back in forth on my bed telling myself over and over "wake up Leah, this has to be a dream, wake up... Wake up... Wake up...". My dad didn't know how to comfort me, how could he? I was inconsolable... No comfort could be felt, I went numb, and silent, and disappeared inside myself for a while... It was the only way I could live through the moment, the day, the week, the month... Hell the year afterwards in it's entirety. My soul felt so tortured, so abandoned, so invisible and so incredibly crushed and low. It was as if I was drowning, but not in any body of water ....this time...
It should be noted that I have almost drowned twice in my life, despite being an incredibly strong swimmer. The first time was in the wave pool at noahs ark in Wisconsin dells... I remember the feeling of pure panic as I found myself suddenly without an inner tube at the very deepest end and unable to keep my head above water... Artificial waves almost took me out that day. And noone even seemed to notice my need of being rescued. There were so many people surrounding me, it was a really hot day, the wave pool was PACKED... I was pushed under further by anonymous people each time that I managed to find my way to the surface... To find an open area... I will never forget the view of countless yellow and blue tubes and pairs of thrashing legs above me... Literally kicking me as I struggled to find some air, to survive, to live. I didn't want to die. Certainly not like that. 6 or 7 years old. I remember thinking that this just could not be, that I had not come all the way into this world and life just to die without yet having the chance to make a difference, to fulfill some innate purpose that this old and wise soul of mine was finally ready to set out and eventually accomplish what it could not or was not given enough time to accomplish in the lives it had lived before I was born into this one. Somehow my mom must have sensed my immediate need to be found, that I was in danger. Somehow she was able to see me and reach me and pull me up and out of that evil pool of fake waves which tried to swallow me up. The life guards did not even notice me, a drowning child whose arms would flail dramatically each time I managed to swallow some air instead of the overly chlorinated water all around me. That was what I believe to be my first near death experience, if not for my mom and her seemingly magical ability to pull me to safety, almost as if she had somehow found me magnetically. In hindsight, as i reflect back on this specific memory, it is obvious to me that my mother was more than just a person, she was extraordinary. Her intuition was uncanny, just like mine is and always has been... Growing stronger every day.
