I have no idea what to title this.

A little something I wrote a month ago that am anxiously sharing now.  When I wrote it I was inspired by Eminem a tad, so try to have a beat going in your head ... Lol. Eek. 

Sometimes I feel as if I'm actually invisible

As if maybe somehow I stumbled and tripped over my own self and now I am falling

I'm Falling and falling 

Into some kind of massive void 

A black hole in the universe 

That only I could trip into 

Because.. Yes I know, 

I'm so fucking clumsy 

This void is a vacuum and it's Pulling me further and further into what seems to be a never ending space of darkness that goes on for an eternity 

Where all matter that enters immediately becomes void

Of any ability to simply be visible 

To those that are around me 

Transforming my scribbly energy into something that is stuck in an endlessly frustrating and confusing  place much like Purgatory

I exist but I don't, 

Because when I speak no one hears me and when I am around 

No one can see me

I'm not dead 

I'm not Really alive either 

Instead I'm just stuck in a hopeless state of 

utter 

invisibility 

non-existence  

A bottomless eternity of pressure and the pain 

And exhaustion from being pulled in opposing directions for far too long to be able to maintain a sense and appearance of composure and strength

When really that strength has become a great weakness 

I am my own nemesis 

I will tear myself apart and dwell on only the negative things 

Because that's what everyone else seems to acknowledge about me, 

The times I make even the smallest of mistakes are treated as if I am failings

At life in general and basically just being a person of value with skills that are worth publicly appreciating in some way or some shape or some form of praise 

For all of the good things I do for others in my life or how I can't help but go above and beyond with the most important of things - 

Finding ways to Pay it forward daily 

Hoping that maybe someday karma will repay me amazingly 

I'm sorry I abandoned you blog, But I'm back. Hear me roar.

This didn't fit in the profile section.. pshh.. Character Limit Shmaracter shlimit. 

I keep saying that one day i'm going to write a book so.. i'm sick of just saying that and am now going to begin DOING it - starting out with this bloggy blog here, to test the waters and create a space where I can type out my thoughts and feelings and impressions and opinions and observations and philosophical theories and takes on life in general that flow in and out of my mind regularly but until now have remained undocumented.. i'm starting to think that perhaps i should start doing just that.  So I will.  And it will be uncensored and unfiltered and in the RAW - kinda like a transcript of whats going on in my head at any particular moment in time where I will put it down in words instead of just saying "i should really write that down" and then don't - or do, but then lose whatever it is i wrote it on. haha.  Keep in mind that everything that does end up on here is completely from the heart and written with great passion and compassion and honesty and just ... the me that I don't let many people see or am not given the chance to show - all layed out in a totally random and in no particular order kind of way, of course.  But maybe it'll be cool and people will want to read it and maybe some things will make an impact somehow somewhere - only time will tell i suppose. Tick Tock, Tick Tock.

I'm so passionate about writing but also intensely passionate when it comes to photography.  It invokes the poetry within  the very core of all that is me; and as a result, inspires me to document said poetic musings in my writing.  The following is a clear multi layered example of what I'm trying to explain, freestyle:

Photography and the art of documenting all that my eyes have managed to experience and find...effectively exposing each moment that inspires me...that somehow strikes me and compels me
to capture and create an image of historical proof some random existence -
some small piece truth (because the camera never lies...)
forever freezing all that I see and all that i find,  from the grotesque to the things that perplex...
the complex and the simple.. the tragic and the magical.. moments of celebration and of course,
all that is beautifully divine...
basically anything
that catches my eye...
blue like the sky
and always observing the
moments which exist
beside us and around us
chaotically colliding 
in this climactically sporadic crazy fucked up world..
i aim to discover what is and what i believe to be a world which thrives invisibly, differently...
worlds that are all around us,
perhaps there are many layers of existence beyond that which we know...
many realms that are unseen, i would like to find the ability to skip amongst these places and spaces in which i have affectionately named the "in-betweens"
of what we as a species  perceive and what we dream.
Connecting the two together in search of a greater meaning.  :)

RANDOMNESS OF THE DAY PART 1

I really love making charts. All kinds of charts.. Pie Charts... Bar Charts... Scatter Charts... Line Charts... Venn Diagram Charts.. FLOW CHARTS!.. INFOGRAPHICS!... If I had my way and the time and the energy and the attention span, I would have charts made for everything.. Just like Marshall in this clip from an episode of How I Met Your Mother.

Randomness of the day PART ONE has now concluded. Carry on with your day as normal. I'm not a crazy person, I swear. Charts are fun ways to visually represent complex things, DAMMIT! So all you chart haters out there .... SHUT YOUR FACE HOLES! You cray.

Leah Shepard Photography|Through The Looking Glass: Adventures in A Beautiful Field Of Wildflowers...

Leah Shepard Photography|Through The Looking Glass: Adventures in A Beautiful Field Of Wildflowers...

I did It! I made a photography blog post! Wow, I must just be on fire right now or something..! (Not literally - for anyone who may be wondering. )

Tell me what you think! Feedback is good for photographers and artists like myself :)

PEACE!!

candice ashment art: Acrylic on Tissue Paper (not achooo! paper) DIY wall art {tutorial}

candice ashment art: Acrylic on Tissue Paper (not achooo! paper) DIY wall art {tutorial}

Take me as I am.

So take me as I am

This may mean

You'll have to be a stronger man

Rest assured that

When I start to make you nervous

And I'm going to extremes

Tomorrow I will change

And today won't mean a thing

Sometimes music is the easiest way to express exactly how I am feeling without getting too wordy or rambly or argumentative or bitchy or frustrated at myself and others... There is a soundtrack that consistently plays in my head throughout the ups and downs and in betweens of my life.  It plays in the background of my brain, behind all of the millions of other thoughts and ideas and feelings and memories and worries and lists of shit I should do but I'm not -

Complete with an array of self deprecating thoughts that I tell myself in response to being so fucking frustrated that I never get shit done and how I really suck at life sometimes.. 

So this is how I feel right now - in simple terms - that doesnt involve me talking or arguing or whatever. 

If i suddenly lost the ability to talk, i wonder if you'd start to miss my ADHD filled ramblings in time.  Or would you just rejoice inside your head daily that the universe gifted you a wonderful blessing by somehow making me a Mute who is incapable of verbal expression - and in effect, unable to talk during shows.. When you are playing your game of the moment...basically All of the things that ultimately trump focusing on me and what I am trying to communicate 100% of the time.  

I understand I am ridiculous and that I can be frustrating and obnoxious as shit . I annoy the hell out of myself multiple times a day, everyday.  I understand.  But you can be the same way with some things too, you know.  Neither of is perfect, we don't have to argue about who is right and who is wrong about the most trivial fucking things ever! I keep trying to communicate this and it just isn't working.  I learn to deal with your annoying tendancies, and you do the same!! Simple. Deal with it. 

See bolded portion of lyrics at the beginning of this post is there to get the main idea/point of all of this. I am me, you want me? You have to have all of me. I'm not a submissive little girl who is willing to become someone she isn't as suppress who she is just because it would make it easier.  I shouldn't feel ashamed to be my complete self with you - all me faults and weaknesses along with all my endearing qualities and strengths.  I am fucking awesome god dammit.  Make me feel that way sometimes. 

 

http://youtu.be/_ivt_N2Zcts

I hate the world today

You're so good to me

I know but I can't change

Tried to tell you

But you look at me like maybe

I'm an angel underneath

Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried

Must have been relieved to see

The softer side

I can understand how you'd be so confused

I don't envy you

I'm a little bit of everything

All rolled into one

[Chorus:]

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover

I'm a child, I'm a mother

I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

I do not feel ashamed

I'm your hell, I'm your dream

I'm nothing in between

You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am

This may mean

You'll have to be a stronger man

Rest assured that

When I start to make you nervous

And I'm going to extremes

Tomorrow I will change

And today won't mean a thing

[Chorus]

Just when you think, you got me figured out

The season's already changing

I think it's cool, you do what you do

And don't try to save me

[Chorus]

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease

I'm a goddess on my knees

When you hurt, when you suffer

I'm your angel undercover

I've been numb, I'm revived

Can't say I'm not alive

You know I wouldn't want it any other way

http://youtu.be/_ivt_N2Zcts

The Angry Pacifist

In a world full of terror 

we lead an inconsistent war

in which we inflict terror

 in search of those that we abhor

But for what reason?

Not for freedom

Not for love

Nor knowledge

but to even a score 

like a schizophrenic seagull

circling an imaginary shore.

In a world full of terror 

we've created the foundation

from beach to beach and 

across the sea floor

which buckles and spreads 

as the Earth heats her core.

This silence is violent 

perhaps even more than before

as we look to the east and can see 

that the sky is on fire 

and it's raining debris.

Can you hear the children screaming

as they fall to their knees???

to pray for peace 

and an end to their grief???

Story of my Life.

The more you know...(shooting star)

Full Disclosure: I originally wrote this post on March 23, 2013. it will show up as being posted on that day ... But the introduction I added today (November 19, 2013 - 12:45 am CST.. It's a Tuesday. It's cold outside. And windy.) is from what the March 23, 2013 me would view as a "future self".. I have concluded that this equates to actual time travel and I have made my own version of "BACK TO THE FUTURE"  ... :) 

<some of my fiances computer desk ornaments :) yeah, I see you.  Check out that Delorian. Cool, huh? It's doors are functional!!> 

Anyway, I discovered today that I somehow never actually published this  and instead, I saved it as a draft... And there it sat... Unpublished... Until this very moment right now TODAY!!!! Woooo! Go me! This isn't really something I should feel the need to celebrate finally accomplishing. It literally would have taken me 3 seconds to publish. Instead, when you account for the time I have spent typing this here paragraph.. I have successfully spent too much time on this task ... Too much =  20 minutes and 57 seconds too long. 

Anyway, if you continue to read on, you will soon discover why I felt that writing the paragraph above was totally necessary (it's not. But whatever). And that reason is because it illustrates the main point of what this whole thing below was written about in a nut shell.  And that's fucking funny as hell to me.  

I need to laugh at myself, to find the humor in everything... If I don't, the emotions of the world end up piling on top of each other all around me, and in my heart and mind.  Writing like I am now also helps me deal with life in general.  

I'm really going to work on making this blog thingy a big part of each day/week or whatever .. 

How else am I gonna remember ALL OF THE THINGS!!!??! 

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html?m=1

(I  encourage all to check out this blog if you haven't already, and this post of here in which I am specifically referencing all bolded and underline-y and shit.  That's when you know I mean business folks. ;)

This concludes my unnecessary prologue to this equally unnecessary post which I wrote months and months ago and then somehow forgot to actually publish the post.

< This llama doesn't give a fucking shit. >

              

                       *****

AND SO BEGINS ANOTHER TRUE LIFE DRAMA THAT IS ... The Days of MY Life:

Well, I am pretty ridiculous. BUT i am also kinda funny sometimes I think, so hopefully that balances out the ridiculousness enough to not cause people to want to punch their own faces and also my face.. At the same time... Simultaneous ridiculousness induced self-face punches with one hand as well as non-self face punches directed at my face with their other hand. Did this invoke a spectacular mental image for you too!? Cuz i know it certainly did for me. Ahhhh, yes. Visual thinking is FUN!
POP QUIZ!: name where this quote is from, and be specific. Well, as specific as you could get I suppose... All you really have to do is name what movie it's from.
*****
Lucas: Joe, I think it's gonna be okay.
Joe: What makes you think that?
Lucas: Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear.
****
I'll give you a hint. The movie title has 2 words in it and those 2 words in itself could also be used to describe the important documents and idk, maybe records of some super ancient civilization that is led by a person who would be referred to as "emperor". An emperor is kind of like a president except emperors were super into doing things like crucifying hoards of peeps and putting heads on poles after be-heading someone pretty much just for the fun of it. They also really likes grapes, bath houses, in many cases preferred promiscuous relations with young boy prostitutes (like under 13) over promiscuous relations with grown women prostitutes with giant boobs who had an affinity to let those girls out for some fresh air, like 24/7. They pretty much had no need for tops, basically.
Alright, so now that I have provided you with what I think is probably the most epic hint EVER.... Name this movie... You have 25 seconds... The clock is ticking loudly with each second... Jeopardy music is playing in the background while you write your answer on the super cool jeopardy style final round screen thingies that I have so kindly provided you with...
You look as if you were writing a lot of shit down for that whole 25 seconds.. Were you just fake writing that whole time or what? Cuz your answer should only be 2 words.
Beep beep beep!!! Times up. Let's reveal your answers.
If you don't know the answer then you really don't deserve to know in the first place - my clues are probably the greatest clues that have ever been given for anything in the entire history of time.
There really was no point to any of this. It's okay though because I am 99.9% sure that no one is going to read this blog anyway, so fuck it - ill do what I want! It's my blog and not yours and it even has my name on it. So THERE! Take that. In your face. Sucka...
I don't even remember why I started writing this in the first place. My opening statement to this entry acknowledges that i realize how ridiculous I am and can be - and even though I never really managed to expand on why I was making that statement in the first place - I am pretty sure that the entirety of this blog post provides perfect evidence of my super ridonkulousness and all of its red hot fire-y but super cool and witty and sarcastic glory! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Oh! I remember now! It was to copy and paste what I just wrote in an email that I sent to my dad and my friend Cara with a picture attached of my baby boy sleeping in the car seat and being super cute and stuff. I am mostly posting a copy of this because I don't want to forget it and how fantastically ridiculous it truly is... Lol. Keep in mind that I truly did not have any intention of rambling on and on like this at all. I was just gonna send the picture and not write anything at all... But then something obviously compelled me to create this novel of an email:
***********************************
To: BFF4EVA, Daddy, And Myself
Subject: Proof that Charlie is probably the cutest baby that ever was!
March 23, 2013 @ 1:54 PM
If not the cutest in the entire world, then he is definitely in the top 10 and should get some sort of trophy or a stylish sash that states his super cuteness level. He fell asleep in the car on the way home from sephies vet appt and of course I had to stop and take this before I got him out of the car :) just wanted to share! Cara, just go back on Facebook dammit! Please? You can do it under a totally fake persona and name even. Even if it's just for me only. I will be your only fb friend Cara, and I would be proud of it! Just like in 3rd grade when Sam decided to announce to the whole class that I wasn't her best friend anymore for no reason at all other then, idk, maybe because I was just way too cool to handle and also wasn't afraid to tell it like it is when shit needed to be told! You remember Cara? Hurt and sad and embarrassed cuz this was in front of everyone, i said to myself "well now who is going to be my best friend :( *sniffle sniffle* *eyes tearing up*"... and this is where you enter the story Cara.. From across the room (somehow you were able to hear me say this quietly to myself, or maybe it was telepathically heard, that would make the most sense lol) - sitting at your desk which was RIGHT next to the teachers  desk cuz you were such a little trouble maker, I hear an enthusiastic voice shout "I'll be your Best Friend Leah!!" - And that was that. BFF4EVA. So whats my point? Why am I writing this novel of an email that now includes this touching childhood memory?! BECAUSE YOU NEED TO COME BACK TO FACEBOOK, that's why. believe it or not (im walking on air.. hahaa) i did not intend for this email to include so many words and run on sentences and my trademark abuse of parenthesis usage at its finest.
I don't have ADHD at all, I swear... Really... Ha ha.. Ha... Ha. .
And DADDY! I haven't forgotten you, don't worry! I know you will probably see this picture on fb and stuff but I wanted to email you the full size file so you can maybe make it the wall paper for your laptops desktop screen. You know you want to. Do it. DO IT! :)
Did you do it? All you have to do is right click on the picture when you download it and then click on "set as wall paper"... I think... You might have to go into the control panel and then to "Desktop Appearance" or something similar to that (it's an icon of a computer screen thingy lol) and then you change it there - I know what you are thinking... "Wow my daughter is so technologically intelligent! She should totally be an IT help desk person who helps people do shit on their computers and stuff!" Hahahahaha. My point is that you should definitely make this picture your wallpaper and you should do this right now. :) BTW, do you know if you are going to have to work on Easter?? Or if the kids will be coming at all?? I hope they can, but I'm sure something else is probably going on elsewhere :( just wait till you see what Charlie is going to be wearing... It's pretty awesome...! Lol :)
Btw, only the coolest babies wear their hats like this - Charlie would like you to know that. Also he would like you to know that he really loves that green melissa and Doug snake toy thing you see in his lap. He guards it with his life. He even looks like he has his hand in a fist just incase anyone (or toy monsters who ruin children's days by eating their toys for no good reason at all. They don't even need to eat toys to survive, toys are like snacks to them, you know.) tries to snatch it from him.
Okay I'm done now. I need a nap. Love you both!!
Leah Bo Beah OUT!

Sent from my iPhone
***********************************
YAY! The task I set out to accomplish initially is now complete! WOW! It's super hard for me to do that. Silly sounding I know, but I'm sure you have gathered that it is quite difficult for me just by reading this post alone (and by you I mean NO ONE.. Cuz no one will read it. I've sent links out to some people in the past, including my fiancé and baby daddy, and he didn't/won't ever read it. Soooo yeah. If someone really IS reading this that isn't me - please comment and make me aware of your existence!! It would mean more to me than most people, in really super sappy and emotional ways... LOL.)
I'm done with this shit.
Peace out mother fuckers.
Love,
Leah ❤